Allura, Queen of the Galaxy
by ebon-drake
Summary: An AU Voltron-Barbarella Xover... Traversing the galaxy inside of Blue Lion, Allura searches for the elusive Zarkon Zarkon, ex-emperor of planet Doom.


Disclaimer: "Voltron, Defender of the Universe" belongs to WEP, and "Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy" belongs to Paramount Motion Pictures. This story itself and original characters are my brain children, which were concieved after I conveniently became bored. No profit is being made from this, yadda yadda.

Author's Note: This story is a crossover between the Voltron universe, and that of "Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy", a cheezy-as-hell movie made in the 60's by Dino de Laurentiis and starring Jane Fonda. It's pretty funny, actually, in the same way that the movie "Army of Darkness" is funny... you'll know what I mean if you've seen either XD. Some of the jokes in here might go over your head if you haven't seen Barbarella, so I suggest possibly watching it before reading this fic.

Allura, Queen of the Galaxy

Ch. 1

Within the mysterious depths of the Denubian Galaxy, a sleek, Lion-shaped craft glided effortlessly through the vast field of stars and planets, while within the interior of the Lion, a figure in a bulky space suit floated about in zero gravity. Having just returned from making external repairs to the ship, the person inside of the suit was now drifting through the air as if through water, the soft overhead lights glancing off of its helmet. As if from a hidden cue, the helmet's dark visor began to lower as the figure slowly removed its silver gloves, revealing perfectly manicured nails. Once the visor was down, the helmet was carelessly cast off, causing a mass of golden-blonde tresses to tumble out.

Underneath the very voluminous hair, a startlingly lovely woman smiled warmly, her eyes closed as she slowly proceeded to remove the rest of her space suit. Soon, the air surrounding her became littered with the different pieces of her suit, and she now swam gloriously naked through the air, luxuriating in the sense of freedom it gave her. Humming blissfully to herself, the woman sluggishly guided herself down towards the main console of her ship and pushed a glowing button. A loud hum permeated the dreamy atmosphere of the Lion, and she gently laid herself down as the gravity began to return to normal.

Singing softly to herself under her breath, the woman curled up like a cat within the thick, brown, shag-carpeted interior of the ship… At last, her work was done for the day, and now she could finally rest…

Alas, it was not meant to be. Her sky-dyed eyes fluttered open as she was abruptly startled by the synthetic voice of Blue Lion's AI.

"Princess Allura, please stand by for a message from Albert Coran, Prime Minister of Arus and regent in your stead," the female voice spoke clearly but soothingly.

Propping herself up, the woman known as Allura sighed listlessly.

"There's no getting past you, is there, L.E.O.N.A?" she pouted aloud momentarily.

When L.E.O.N.A did not answer, Allura relented and got up from her reclining position when she realized that she probably wouldn't get a reply until she addressed the pending message.

"Very well… Patch him through."

With much fanfare, the large view screen in front of the Princess lit up with the weathered, mustachioed visage of the Arusian prime minister. Despite her earlier reluctance, she couldn't help but feel herself cheer up at seeing him again- she couldn't even recall the last time she had seen a friendly face!

"Allura!" his stern face immediately brightened when he recognized her.

"Coran!" the princess jovially replied.

Immediately remembering protocol, Coran placed his right hand up in the universal salute and gravely declared, "Peace."

"Peace," she promptly returned the salute.

Allura looked down and then realized her state of clothing, or rather, lack of.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Coran…," she muttered distractedly, beginning to go towards the closet where all of her uniforms were kept, "Let me just find something to get into before we go any further- "

"Don't… trouble yourself," despite his worried expression, his gaze managed to linger a few moments on her before he launched into his dilemma, "Something terrible has happened. Princess, what I am about to tell you is top secret… Only a few select people besides myself know about this… Do you understand?"

Allura nodded apprehensively, discarding her current nudity as unimportant in the light of this new situation.

"Yes... What's going on??"

Before he could answer, she wryly added, " I didn't actually think that you'd be calling just to say, 'hello'."

Coran inconspicuously rearranged the blatantly obvious hairpiece on his head before he leaned forward and whispered confidingly to her, his thick mustache trembling, "Do you know anything about Zarkon Zarkon?"

"You mean the ex-emperor of planet Doom? What about him?" she scratched her head a little to demonstrate her befuddlement.

"Well…," he looked nervously back and forth, as if someone was listening in on their conversation, "They say that he's fled Doom…"

"Yes, but everyone knows that! And Galaxy Garrison has sent special op teams to go and retrieve him… what is so top secret about that?"

"We think he has taken something with him… Zarkon Zarkon has fled in the direction of the Mora Galaxy, which… unfortunately has not yet been fully explored. We believe that he is somewhere on the ice planet of Naete…"

"But what has he taken?"

"Plans for a powerful weapon, the likes of which the galaxy has never seen… Our intelligence did not find out about it until now… It is called the Cosmotronic Cannon, and it's power is… untold… enough to destroy whole planets and the fragile peace that has been wrought since the fall of Doom… He may have been a terrible ruler, but despite appearances, Zarkon Zarkon is a brilliant man- he is the creator of this weapon, although we think that he may have worked on it with one other person."

"Who?"

At this, Coran's mouth tightened into a grim line.

"A Drule witch by the name of Hagar."

"Well, can't we just capture her and interrogate her for information and any possible weaknesses that this… cannon may possess?"

"Don't you think we would have tried that already?" he replied almost plaintively, shrugging his shoulders helplessly, "Thanks to him, the old crone kicked the bucket shortly before he hightailed it out of Doom."

Rubbing her chin pensively, Allura began to pace methodically in the spacious cockpit of Blue Lion, or as others liked to call it, the Intergalactic Shaggin' Wagon, as she narrated her thoughts aloud.

"Hmmm… so he had her killed… and am I correct in assuming that he is now the sole possessor of the knowledge behind the technology of this weapon?"

"Yes," he breathed stiffly as he ran his hands worriedly through his hair, forgetting momentarily that it was a hairpiece, but all of a sudden remembering as he hurriedly jammed it back onto his head after he felt it falling off, "…And we know that he will not hesitate to use it to his own advantage."

She paused abruptly in her movements.

"But he is notorious! There couldn't be anyone stupid enough to shelter him!"

"Ah, but that is where you are wrong," Coran stuck a finger into the air to halt any further words from escaping her pursed lips, "If he somehow managed to have his appearance altered, then he just might well have been able to slip in somewhere unnoticed… unknown."

"True, true… he could have had a skin graft or something else done to himself to surgically alter his appearance… we wouldn't happen to have a current picture of what he might look like, do we?"

"No, but as you know, this is what he looked like approximately one month ago," at this point, Coran very helpfully had the view screen show a photo of the grizzled, blue face of Zarkon Zarkon, ex-emperor of Doom.

Allura turned to the side and winced as she felt her insides grow increasingly queasy.

"Many thanks, Coran," she mumbled sourly, "But you would either need to be struck by amnesia or just very, very, very stupid to ever forget a face like that."

"Certainly, Princess," he nodded vigorously in agreement, his familiar features returning after Zarkon Zarkon's mug vanished from view, "He must be stopped and captured at all costs before he shatters the peaceful and loving union of the galaxy again!"

"Yes, something must be done," she acquiesced.

"And you must be the girl to do it."

Allura felt her jaw drop to the shag carpeting of the cockpit; to say that she was just taken aback would be putting it mildly.

"I beg your pardon?!" she sputtered in disbelief, positioning herself right in front of the view screen, "Why me when there are plenty of experienced troops to spare?!"

Averting his gaze and staring edgily into a corner of the room, Coran coughed and nervously wrung his hands together.

"You know that there is no one here on Arus who can possibly stand against him!"

"Oh, I see, so no one has the capacity to pilot any of the Voltron Lions?"

Gazing down now, it took a moment for Coran to finally admit, "Ah… no one has been able to pass the written exam for it yet…"

Raising a carefully groomed eyebrow, the Arusian princess asked skeptically, "Our own people are that incompetent? I passed the exam to pilot one of the Lions when I was 9. My pet space mice even passed it. "

"Well, yes…"

She combated the urge to roll her eyes.

"And what about Galaxy Garrison? What about their troops?"

"Er… we found you to be much more… qualified to handle the job, Princess," he stuttered timidly, mustache wiggling, all of the severity of his face long gone by now, "What, with all of your… experience and… language skills…"

"You guys only want to send me because I'm the person closest to Naete right now, aren't I? And you guys are too damn lazy to send anyone over there, aren't you?" Allura said flatly, her tone laced with ice.

"Y-es?" Coran winced unevenly, as if waiting to be struck down by an invisible force.

"Of all the-," this time she did not prevent her cerulean eyes from rolling back into her head, "Fine, whatever. Mission accepted."

At this, all of Coran's skittishness melted away, and he became the proper prime minister again.

"Very good," he cleared his throat loudly, "You are to locate Zarkon Zarkon and use all of your incomparable… ah, talents to preserve this fragile peace that has taken hold of the galaxy and destroy the plans for the cannon! …Oh, yeah, and bring him into our custody for trial and whatnot, of course. Do you understand everything, Princess?"

"Yes…," Allura stated acidically.

Oblivious to her ire, Coran continued on.

"Of course, do not think that you will not be without assistance on your mission! I am going to send you a device that will enable you to recognize Zarkon Zarkon, no matter which guise he may be in. You should be receiving it… now."

At that moment, an instantaneous beep was emitted from Blue Lion's object transmitter, and an odd… thing soon materialized before her eyes. It looked like a metallic doohickey that was attached to another doohickey. Cautiously bending over to pick it up, Allura examined it carefully. She twisted it around and around within her hands, but she could not figure out what it was for the life of her.

Finally, she looked up into the view screen, where Coran was taking note of her scrutiny.

"Uh… what is it?"

"I will have you know that that is the latest in aromatic detection technology-"

"You mean that it's going to detect Zarkon Zarkon by his unique B.O.?" she interrupted incredulously.

"Why, yes, certainly!" he proudly replied, steepling his fingers together in thought, "What you are holding is a portable body odor analyzer that is attuned **specifically** to Zarkon Zarkon. In his presence, the lights on it will go off, so he will not be able to escape your notice, no matter what disguise he has adopted!"

"Wonderful," she muttered dryly, setting the portable analyzer to the side, "Is there anything else that you'll be sending?"

Glancing to the side, Coran wrinkled his brow, as if trying to remember something.

"…Well, now that you mention it… We probably should send you something in which to protect yourself… I mean, something more than Blue Lion, that is…"

No sooner had the words left his mouth, the entire cockpit became flooded with what seemed to be the entire contents of the Arusian armories.

"Th-ank you **ver-ry** much, Coran!" she growled furiously as she fought to dig herself out from underneath the massive pile of weaponry, " **Anything** else?!"

"No, you seem to be all set up now," he answered amicably, "Again, you understand what you must do?"

Allura sighed in frustration, and distractedly smoothed out her hair with one hand in an effort to calm her nerves.

"Yes. I must undertake this task because Galaxy Garrison can't tell its ass from its elbow."

"You certainly have it!" he affirmed optimistically.

He eyed her like a hungry dog for just a few moments more before he finally remembered to salute her.

"Peace!"

"Um, yeah… peace, sure," she grunted in assent afterwards, giving a half-hearted salute before switching off the view screen.

"Ugh... Coran strikes again! How does he manage to do it, L.E.O.N.A.?" Allura exasperatedly complained aloud as she made her way towards her closet, her feet sinking into the plush carpeting.

"I do not know, Princess," Blue Lion's AI reasoned.

"Well, I suppose so... I might as well slip into something decent."

Without another word, our intrepid heroine entered her spacious closet, and within a time span of 30 seconds, she stepped back out, clothed in a tight, black body suit and fishnet stockings. Surveying herself in a mirror that managed to materialize out of thin air, she gave a nod of approval.

"Definitely much better... At least I don't look so much like an armed, naked savage."

Why she thought that her choice of clothing was much better remains a mystery, for the body suit left about as much to the imagination as her prior nakedness had, but... we'll leave her be. Satisfied, Allura made her way to the cockpit and none too gently punched her comm unit.

"Blue Lion to Galaxy Garrison, Blue Lion to Galaxy Garrison. We are departing the Denubian Galaxy for planet Naete in 5 minutes. Acknowledge."

After a brief pause, a mechanical voice replied, "Galaxy Garrison to Blue Lion. Acknowledged."

Switching the comm unit off, she then gazed momentarily out of Blue Lion's thick window and into the beautiful, vast plains of space, which remarkabley resembled the inner contents of a lava lamp. As a mysterious blob floated past the craft, Allura decidedly turned around and addressed her ship, her hands placed authoritatively upon her waist.

"One thing is for sure, L.E.O.N.A., once we get to the Mora Galaxy, Zarkon Zarkon won't know what hit him! Set a course for planet Naete!"

"At once, Princess," the female voice answered dulcetly.

Stretching out her body, Allura cracked her neck and decided that now was as good a time as any to take that nap she had almost fallen into before Coran had so kindly come a calling. With a swish of blonde hair, she plopping herself into a distant corner, where she burrowed into the thick carpeting like a small animal.

"L.E.O.N.A, when do you estimate that we will enter Naete's gravitational pull?"

"We will arive in approximately 24 Terran hours, Princess."

"Right...," Allura rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "Then can you wake me in exactly 24 hours?"

"Confirmed."

Finally smiling, she lowered her eye lids and settled peacefully into a comfortable position.

"Good night, L.E.O.N.A," she sighed after issuing forth a delicate yawn.

"Confirmed," the AI's synthetic voice repeated, but this time it came out as a pleased purr; politeness was always appreciated.

Within moments, Allura slipped into the most gratifying slumber that she had experienced in ages.

Meanwhile, Blue Lion continued to hurtle along on its set course for the mysterious planet Naete, where few had ever been, and from whence even fewer ever returned...

What happens next? Find out next time... in the shagadelic adventures of Allura, Queen of the Galaxy!


End file.
